Kooks

I had no intention of blogging tonight. I've passed my weekly quota of posts and every time I blog at night, I end up staying up way too late. But today I met someone that I just have to tell you about.

I went to the hairdresser today (Wow, is "hairdresser" the right word? It sounds so antiquated. Should I say I went to the beauty shop? The salon? Whatever, you get the idea.) While I was there getting my nasty gray hair covered a trim, an older lady walked in. She overheard me talking to Dean (my hairdresser) about Kai and how difficult it was to find the right doctor to diagnose and fix his problems.

The lady piped right up and said, "I know what you're talking about. About 5 years ago I was really, really sick. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me but I felt terrible and I knew something was wrong. Then one day I just up and died. That's right. The doctors finally diagnosed me with "sudden death." They even wrote "sudden death" on my chart." Right about the time I was about to tell this nice lady that she looked pretty darn good for being dead, she said that the doctors brought her back to life. Well, we all know that I'm no doctor, but her story sounded a little questionable to me.

About thirty minutes later (it takes Dean a long time to color trim hair), the lady walked back up to me and asked, "Hey, do you need to lose weight?" Honestly, we all know that I could shed a few pounds, but it was a tad rude of her to pick me out of the crowd (I do live in the south. You're supposed to be syrupy sweet around these parts.) Before I could answer that I was okay right now, she said, "I go to this place in Homewood. They give you injections of horse urine every day for 28 days. The pounds just fly right off!" Umm, did I just here you say horse urine? You have got to be kidding. Whatever happened to counting calories?

Do you ever wonder how many kooks are in this world?

Poop Story - Read at Your Own Peril

Kai is now tall enough and coordinated enough to hoist himself onto a "big potty" all by himself. At first, I thought this was an exciting feat that would save me a lot of nasty work (ie. cleaning out the toddler potty 25 times a day.) In a perfect case of Murphy's Law, I could not have been more wrong. Instead of periodically cleaning out a toddler potty that I know is smelly, I now find nasty toilets all around the house. Although we by no means live in a mansion, our humble abode does have 5 adult-size toilets. At any point of the day, I am likely to find poop smeared on the seat of any one of those toilets. Yes ladies, it is gross. Beyond gross.

Today takes the cake on yucky potty stories (please let me know if you have a better one.) It all started when Kai decided to potty in the toilet in my master bathroom. I was, of course, not in the room and completely unaware of Kai's location. Then throughout the house I heard Kai yelling for me. "Momma, I need you!" I find him beside the potty, flushing it over and over again (I would guess that he pushed the lever close to 100 times.) "It don't work, Momma!" Yes, my boy has flushed the potty so many times, and with such force, that he's broken the friggin' thing. The potty is full of poop, Dave is out-of-town (yet again) and I have no idea what to do. After mumbling some choice words (that Kai did not hear), I decided to take the top off of the tank. I've seen David do this and it seemed like the smart thing to do. The problem is that I have never watched what David did from that point on. I think I have always taken dismantling the potty as a sign to leave the room. After several minutes of staring into the tank, I actually put my hand into the water. Why? I don't know. I guess I thought the Toilet God would come down and guide my hand to fix the problem. Guess what? Didn't happen. So now I've got a contaminated hand, a gross potty, and no husband for another 24 hours. Like I said, Murphy's Law at it's best.

P.S. I have now discovered that the toilet is irreparably broken. The good news, however, is that the poop has been flushed. Thank God for small favors.

Lesson Learned

I took the kids to our favorite (all-you-can-eat) Chinese restaurant for dinner tonight. This is the unedited conversation that ensued:

Kai (pointing to a large mural of the Forbidden Palace on the wall): Momma, I was born dere.

Me: That's right sweetheart, you were born in China.

Kai: I no wanna live dere again.

Me: Oh no, we don't live in China. We live here in the United States. But we may visit China soon to get your brother Ash/Cooper (yes, this is still how we refer to the poor boy.) We'll have so much fun in China.

Kai: Momma, please no leave me in China.

Me (attempting to hold back tears): I will never leave you. Never, ever. We are a family now and families are together forever. Mommy and Kai are together forever! I love you so much, Kai.

Kai: I wuv you too, Momma.

(silence while I am trying to pull myself together)

Kai: Momma?

Me: Yes.

Kai: Can I have some ice cream?

Just a glimpse into the depths of my 3 year old's mind. He understands so much more than I give him credit for. I am far from being a perfect mother, but I vow tonight that he will never again have to wonder if I will ever leave him. Lesson learned today - Monday, February 23, 2009.

Sisterhood Award

My good friend Denise did it again (and on Oscar night of course!) She has bestowed me with the Sisterhood Award. Denise grabbed an old dress out of her closet at the last minute for the show and she looks absolutely stunning (see There's Always Room for One More.) Not to be outdone, I just called my neighbor and she sewed this nice little gown for me. The picture above is me getting ready to meet Denise for the big event. Notice how serious I look? These award shows are getting so blase'. Regardless, I love Denise and I would follow her to the ends of the Earth (or at least follow her blog to the ends of the Earth.) So, thanks again Denise. I probably don't deserve it, but I'll take it anyway.

And I guess while I'm at it, I should thank my director, the screenwriters, the crew and our producers my husband and kids. I wouldn't be ME without them!

Doctor or Wizard?

My little MD

My wizard standing on his Sit n'Spin
(no comments on the safety of this pose
or the state of the playroom, please)

I must admit that the thought of my wild child one day becoming a doctor makes me beam with pride. And don't laugh, it might just happen. You see, Kai got a doctor's kit for Christmas and one of his favorite activities is "healing" his family members. This usually involves Kai checking our heart and lungs with his stethoscope, having our blood pressure checked, and in the end, receiving several shots (which is always the cure for our illnesses.) Today Kai switched things up and decided to become a wizard. At first, I was a little disappointed. I mean honestly, wouldn't we all rather have McDreamy as our son instead of Merlin? But then I began to think about it (what better way is there to spend my day other than contemplating the magical future of my 3 year old?) A wizard in the family might not be so bad. Need help paying the bills? Poof - money o'plenty! Can't fit into that darn dress? Poof - now you can! Need to be at 2 soccer fields (or dance recitals) at the same time? Poof - just have your sweet son clone you for the day! Tonight I'm going to sleep well. I have peace knowing that it'll be okay no matter what my little one chooses to be.

Self Check-Out

Note to Self:
Never, and I repeat never, take the children to WalMart at 7 o'clock at night because you have forgotten a school costume for the next day.

Yes, my sweet daughter is supposed to dress up as Clara Barton (heroine nurse, founder of the American Red Cross, blah, blah, blah) tomorrow. I remembered this fact at approximately 5:30pm as I was trying to figure out what to feed the rugrats for dinner. Since I really did not want to fight rush hour traffic (and David is yet again out of town), I told the kids we would eat dinner and then head out to the dreaded Wally World. So after a gourmet dinner of Prego-topped spaghetti, we left the house in the drizzling rain. Kai was in top form. I'm not sure the best word to describe his behavior other than horrendous. It was like he was deaf and severely affected by ADHD at the same time. I know those of you who are moms understand that sentence. Kai would NOT listen to a word I said and ran around the store like a teenager on crack. To top the evening off, I decided to forgo the long Wally World lines and try self check-out. I mean honestly, how hard can it be? I have 3 kids and a college education. That must qualify me for something. Now (several hours after the incident), I can assure you I am not qualified to perform said task. It went something like this: I scan the first item (an absolutely adorable bathing suit for Piper.) Okay, okay, I know you're thinking that Clara Barton probably wasn't a cute two-piece type of gal but when you see a swimsuit for $12 you can't just ignore it! I put the suit in the bag and the computer screams "Please place item in bag". I DID place the item in the bag. Good gosh, it's a bikini for a kid that weighs 62 lbs. Maybe the darn thing doesn't weigh enough to trigger the sensor. After fiddling with it for several minutes and the computer screaming at me every 15 seconds or so, I give up and scan the next item. It allows me to scan the next item but big red letters are plastered on the computer screen that say "ITEMS NOT BAGGED." Why don't they just say what they mean - "SHOPLIFTER IN SELF CHECK-OUT." This whole scenario is repeated 5 more times. All the while Kai is running away, grabbing everything in sight and pushing me towards cardiac arrest. But ladies and gents, it gets better. After I threaten Kai to stay with us in the check out line, he decides to jump onto the bagging area platform. I guess his 30 lbs. finally triggered the sensor because the computer screen lights up like a Christmas tree and declares that we have "UNSCANNED ITEMS IN BAG." Thus began the international incident. Managers were called, I was interrogated and merchandise was checked and double checked. Thank God I was too tired to be humiliated or offended. Again... Never, and I mean never, take all 3 kids to WalMart past 7 o'clock at night. It's a recipe for disaster.

A Really Great Birthday

Do you remember one special birthday from your childhood? You know, like the one where you got a real live pony or that doll you had been asking for all year. Piper didn't ask for a doll this year (thank God, since American Girl dolls run upwards of $100 these days) and she certainly didn't get a pony. But she did have an amazing birthday. The kind of birthday she'll remember for a long, long time.

It started out with breakfast in bed
(yes, she let her big brother hop in and join her)

And then the present opening began
(this bracelet kit is from her brothers)

Awesome shoes from Daddy Jim


A Ninendo DS that she has been wanting for over a year

Games from Grandmama and Granddad

Later that night, Piper had 12 girlfriends at her
Sweet n' Sassy Pajama Party.
The party began with facials.

And moved on to fancy up-do's

Next was the karoke portion of the evening

Followed by some very enthusiatic "vogueing"

And dancing until everyone was sweaty

And what great party doesn't end with popcorn limbo?

As you can see, it was truly an awesome party for an amazing 9 year old. Happy Birthday Piper! I love you.

Life After the Flu

Me, mom and Kellie (my sis)
I'm sporting new earrings from my stepbrother, James

The whole gang

We're finally back in the land of the living! It took poor Kai 8 days to get over the flu. I was lucky and felt better after 18 lousy hours (thanks to the makers of Tamiflu.) I bet you're guessing that I curled up in bed for those 18 hours and sleep off the flu bug. No way, Jose! You see, while I was a weak feverish mess, my kids were all spending the night with their Granny. And there was no way I was going to miss out on a date night with my hubby. Dave pumped me full of Advil, threw me in the shower and we headed out to a double feature. We saw Gran Torino and Slumdog Millionare back-to-back. We had so much fun that I almost forgot I was sick. (Note to moms of Asian children: The racism in Gran Torino is extreme. It made me wonder if Kai or Cooper will ever be confronted with that much hatred.)

Yesterday was my birthday and the family took me to my favorite (non buffet style) Chinese restaurant. Dave splurged (which he was not supposed to do) and gave me Adobe Photoshop and Premier Elements. Although I have no idea how to use them, I am very excited to learn how. I am already thinking of all the pimples, wrinkles, and snot I can now airbrush out of my photos!

Today Kai was able to go back to school for the first time in over a week. I must say that I have never felt more thankful for preschool. Dropping Kai off and having a few hours to myself was pure Heaven. Piper's birthday is this weekend and there is a lot of planning that still needs to be done.

Guess Who Has the Flu?

Yes it's true, the Olivet family has the flu. Well, at least Kai does (although the doc has started me on Tamilfu too.) Kai thinks it's important to look cool in his shades even when he's fighting the flubug. Whatever works, right?

Priceless

Kai and Jackson (his favorite cousin)

Big Kids with Cowboy Clown

Kai and his "Dancing Girl"

I love the acrobats

I love the clowns

I love the elephants and the dancers

And I love the tigers

5 tickets to the "Greatest Show on Earth" - $122
3 Snowcones - $30
1 Diet Coke - $4
1 Jumbo Cookie - $3
The look on Dave's face when Kai told him he wanted to be a circus dancer - Priceless

Yesterday we packed up the crew and went to the circus. I love the circus! I love the elephants, I love the tigers, I love the death-defying acrobats, I love the clowns and I love the sparkly dancers. So as we are leaving the show, I ask what job everyone would most like to have at the circus. Dave says that he wants to be in the band. I say that I wouldn't mind training the dogs or riding the elephants. J.D. wants to be one of the daredevils who jumps around a huge rotating silver ring suspended 100 feet over the floor (I know, terrible description, but it's the best I can do.) Piper said she would like to be the female ringmaster who also happens to be an acrobat (of course, she wears the prettiest clothes.) Then comes Kai's turn. "I wanna be a dancing circus boy!" Silence ensued for a few moments. David is kindly biting his tongue. Then laughter erupts from the backseat. J.D. decides to rub salt in David's wounds by saying, "That's right Kai, daddy says we can be anything we want to be when we grow up. You can be a dancing boy if you want to!"

That's right Kai. You be the best dancing boy that anyone has every seen and I'll be right there cheering you on! As you can tell, I love my little dancing boy.